Twenty-Five and a Half

Six months ago I was “celebrating” my  birthday, in a mental institution, with strangers around me singing while awaiting chocolate cake. Not my favorite, thank you very much. I sat there staring at everyone with tears in my eyes, not because I was lucky to be alive, but because I was so unhappy that I had failed. Now, I was to spend time locked up for failing at taking my own life.

The struggle has been too real, and no, this is not a joking matter. Someone cared enough about me to call the cops on me. To tell them I was trying to harm myself, and whether or not I was, I’m happy that what happened happened.

I hit rock bottom, but, I was finally out of the hole I dug for myself since I was 12. The lies caught up to me. My parents, friends, family found out everything I had been keeping to myself. Something changed my birthday weekend, and that something was me.

I am lucky. I’m lucky I have people who love me unconditionally. First of all, I would not know what to do without my friends. Through out these six months you have put up with me, the crying, the screaming, the wanting to hurt myself. You stayed by my side when I was at my most vulnerable, and for that I will never be able to repay you. My parents and sisters, who love me and put up with the tantrums and attitude. My uncles and grandma, who always have time to talk.

Thank you.

Thank you to those who have never abandoned me, who believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself, and most of all believe me when I tell them the truth. Thank you for coming to my doctor’s appointments and therapy sessions, and thank you for the countless therapy sessions that you provided.

So much has changed in these past six months. I have grown. I have grown to love myself. I have grown to be able to spend time alone and not be afraid of myself or others. I have grown to forgive. I have grown to forget. I have grown and let go of all the pain that I was holding on to. I have grown and am able to ask for help when I need it. I have grown to be able to love being at home. I have grown to get an adult job, and love what I do. I have grown to let people live their lives without me. I have grown to be happy for others. I have grown to be happy for myself.

One of my friends asked me what had changed in the last six months for me, and that inspired this post.

Thank you to those who have stuck around even when I tried to push you as far away as possible. I love you.

Here’s to 25… and a half! (:

 

xoxo,

“She believed she could, so she did”

-R.S. Grey

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