Twenty-Five and a Half

Six months ago I was “celebrating” my  birthday, in a mental institution, with strangers around me singing while awaiting chocolate cake. Not my favorite, thank you very much. I sat there staring at everyone with tears in my eyes, not because I was lucky to be alive, but because I was so unhappy that I had failed. Now, I was to spend time locked up for failing at taking my own life.

The struggle has been too real, and no, this is not a joking matter. Someone cared enough about me to call the cops on me. To tell them I was trying to harm myself, and whether or not I was, I’m happy that what happened happened.

I hit rock bottom, but, I was finally out of the hole I dug for myself since I was 12. The lies caught up to me. My parents, friends, family found out everything I had been keeping to myself. Something changed my birthday weekend, and that something was me.

I am lucky. I’m lucky I have people who love me unconditionally. First of all, I would not know what to do without my friends. Through out these six months you have put up with me, the crying, the screaming, the wanting to hurt myself. You stayed by my side when I was at my most vulnerable, and for that I will never be able to repay you. My parents and sisters, who love me and put up with the tantrums and attitude. My uncles and grandma, who always have time to talk.

Thank you.

Thank you to those who have never abandoned me, who believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself, and most of all believe me when I tell them the truth. Thank you for coming to my doctor’s appointments and therapy sessions, and thank you for the countless therapy sessions that you provided.

So much has changed in these past six months. I have grown. I have grown to love myself. I have grown to be able to spend time alone and not be afraid of myself or others. I have grown to forgive. I have grown to forget. I have grown and let go of all the pain that I was holding on to. I have grown and am able to ask for help when I need it. I have grown to be able to love being at home. I have grown to get an adult job, and love what I do. I have grown to let people live their lives without me. I have grown to be happy for others. I have grown to be happy for myself.

One of my friends asked me what had changed in the last six months for me, and that inspired this post.

Thank you to those who have stuck around even when I tried to push you as far away as possible. I love you.

Here’s to 25… and a half! (:

 

xoxo,

“She believed she could, so she did”

-R.S. Grey

My Wellness Journal 

Hey y’all!!! It’s been a while… So, a little back story to this blog post:
I love love love stationary, office supplies, stickers, planners and lately, journals. I’ve never been one of those girls who has a diary, I mean yes, I’ve had diaries that I would start and two days later abandon because like, who even has time to write when you have friends you can talk to? Well, as you may know, I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long long looooong time now as well as some other stuff. Ever since I finished college it has kind of gotten worse, then it got better; journaling was a big part of the getting better process. I’ve been journaling for about five months now and I wanted to share what has worked for me.

First, let me start with my planner. I use it just like you would use your cellphone calendar but I get to decorate it and make it look super pretty every month. My journal, on the other hand, is something I get to play around with every day. It is not perfect, and I try to write in it every single day.  I am starting my new journal for September through December 2016, and I thought it would be a good idea to share my technique. Rule number one: it is YOURS and yours only. NO ONE has to see it or read it or anything. Be straight forward. Be honest with yourself. No one gets to judge you but you.

The most fundamental thing is to get a journal. Any will do, it depends on what you like. I picked this one because the quote makes me laugh and it’s like, low key, totally me. Haha.

Disclaimer** Most of these ideas I got from reading things on the Internet and making them my own. [thank you buzzfeed, lol]

Next, I leave a blank page and write that it’s my journal… Which can be seen in the featured image of this blog post. Not necessary, but I like to do it.

I then leave a page for the index, so I know where everything is located.

I write in my key for my logs.

I write in my overview for the next quarter of the year. This can include goals, birthdays, special events that are coming up, tasks, anything that you may want to see at a glance.

Then is my goal setting guidelines. I got this off a website a really long time ago, when I was searching for how to set goals in my life. I try to answer these three questions every time I set a goal.

Then, it is my monthly habits. I usually have a routine going, so I like to keep track of how many times in the month I do certain things. You can write down whatever you want on this page. 

I set different goals each month, in order to keep myself in check. I strive to finish each of these goals sets. The six categories I use are:
– Personal Goals: how I want to better myself this month.
– Relational Goals: these have to do with my relationships, including but not limited to friends, boyfriend, sisters, parents, etc.
– Professional Goals: how I want to better myself in my career this month.
– Health Goals: what I will do to maintain a healthy lifestyle, for example, weight loss, healthy eating, exercise…
– Blog Goals: what I want to do about this blog. Prompts I may want to write about during the month.
– Extra Goals: those that do not fit into the first five categories. 

I have a thing about quotes, I love them. If you check out my Instagram, almost every photo caption is a quote or a song lyric, which is technically a quote. I like having them down in one place so I can remember what I happened to like that month. 

I have an obsession with all things Disney. Disneyland, Disney movies, everything. I like to log what I loved about Disney during that month.

I keep a page so I can jot down what I have been grateful for that month, because reflecting on one’s good fortune makes you realize how good you have it. I also like to write down my “planning routine” which is basically how I keep myself organized daily and weekly. This works for me because then I don’t forget what I have to write down at the end of the day. 

Then, comes the daily log. I like to write down what I at that day, my daily fitness, my to do list, any news that may have popped up during the day and of course my venting of the day. 

I usually have a couple of pages about my therapy sessions: what I liked, didn’t like, hurt to hear, need to change, etc., but since I haven’t gone to a therapy session yet this month I will not be writing about that until the near future.

I hope you guys liked this post. I hope that maybe this will help some of you, maybe in organizing yourself or maybe in bettering your life.

xoxo, elia.

 

“A healthy outside starts from the inside.”
– Robert Urich

The Wizarding World of Harry Potter

I am so beyond happy to share with you my experience at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, here at Universal Studios Hollywood.

Yesterday was the Grand Opening, and even though I did not go for the whole day, I was able to experience it well for the first time.

The day started off with us going into Universal and getting a timed ticket in order to get into the land.

You walk into Hogsmeade, where you see the Hogwarts Express to your right and the hustle and bustle of the day. As you continue walking, it becomes Hogwarts. The castle looked exactly how I had pictured it in my mind and in the movies. It was perfect.

There are many shops where I was able to check out exclusive Harry Potter paraphernalia and I was able to experience the taste of BUTTERBEER™, which tasted exactly like I thought it would, since I was 7 years old reading the books for the first time.

Flight of the Hippogriff™, was the only ride I was able to experience due to the long lines, and the fact that I will be coming back soon because I now have an season pass to Universal Studios.

Here are some photos you might enjoy, I will keep updating later when I return to this magical world.

I’m baaaaaaaack!

I just realized that I haven’t posted since basically the end of October of last year. I had to take a little break to be able to work on myself.

Quick update:
-my anti-depressant / anxiety pills are working.
– fam is doing great. They’ve been helping me out a lot, especially with being so understanding when I opened up to them in December and basically word – vomited everything that I was feeling.
– boyfriend is amazing, even with school, work, keeping up with his family and everything he always makes time for me, which I really appreciate.
– best friends are amazing, duh. I’ve gotten really close to my friend LeAnne; we spend a lot of time together, she’s always there for me and we have constant sleepovers. Brian, Blanca, Toto, Andi are just as amazing as always. I’ve found a lot of Disney friends from my recent trips to Disneyland, which brings me into my next point.

I realized that Disney is my special place, even if I go alone. I was able to go alone for the first time ever a couple months ago, and it was seriously the best experience ever. I’m not sure if I shared the fact that a year ago I couldn’t even go to the gas station to pump gas by myself… but now, I can go places alone, I have less anxiety about spending time alone. I’m happy. I’ve been meeting a lot of new friends at Disney and decided that I will be posting my disney photos on my other instagram account. For now the name is @PrincessEliaDisney , I’m not sure if I will change the name later but if I do I will let you know. Please go ahead and follow me there. I will write posts more often, pinky promise!

I apologize for not spending more time here, but I really had to take a break from life and recoup. I love you guys!!!

“Just keep swimming” -Dory from Finding Nemo

 

 

The Truth.

Listen to this song.

Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the truth. Sometimes you have to pretend to be okay and maybe just maybe life will get better. I’ve gone through a lot the last couple? few? many? months. To be honest, I was completely scared of what I was going to do. For the first time in my life I did not have a plan. I put off graduate school, I put off finding a real job, I put off everything and was living in this stupid little world where all I did was sleep.
I pushed people out of my life that had been there for years. They were there but maybe not always in a good way, or in a way that I needed them to be. Sometimes their voices and opinions would fog up my mind. But, I am not blaming any of them for my decisions.
I’ve battled with depression, anxiety and self-doubt (among other things) throughout my adolescent and adult years. I’ve always talked to friends and decided that their opinions were what were most important in my life. This summer, I’ve finally hit the lowest of the low. I lost two of the people who had been the most important people in my life at one point. I tried OD-ing. I got drunk. I started going to therapy. I got put on anti-depressants. The lowest point, ever. And I can tell you right now that I’ve gone through things that many people would think would be worse than this, but right now its not, right now this is the worst.
I’ve been trying to get better. My family has been a big help. My parents are my biggest supporters. My sisters are amazing.  My boyfriend is beyond wonderful. My bosses have been understanding. I could honestly not be able to sit here and write this write now without my friends. The walks, the drives, the late nights in parks, the texts, the phone calls at 10 am, 3am, or 4pm, the hugs, the laughs, the adventures, the craziness, listening to me scream at them because of all the pent up anger and sadness. Thank you friends, you know who you are.
I honestly, from this point on do not care about anyone from my past. It’s called the past for a reason, right? Honestly, I wish them the best of luck. I wish them love, happiness, friendship, trust. I hope they find what they’re looking for. I hope and smile and honest to God wish them the best, for this is the last time I’ll think about you. The last time I’ll cry. The last time I’ll be upset and mad. Because at one point I loved you with all my heart, and I got scared and pushed you away, and you got scared and didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust you. We lost the mutual love, the friendship. But it’s okay. Because you’re going to be okay and I’m going to be okay.
I am going to be happy, and this is the final part of my cleanse.

“Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”

Premio Dardos Award!!! (:

premiodardosblogaward-2Thank you Nicole for the amazing nomination!!! I’m so happy, this is so exciting!!! Check out her blog here. (:

Here are the fifteen bloggers who I nominate for this award:

  1. Leigh https://grammardeputyatyourservice.wordpress.com/
  2. Jason http://aopinionatedman.com/harsh-reality/
  3. Frosty https://thefrostyperspective.wordpress.com/
  4. Darly https://darlydarly.wordpress.com/
  5. Jihane https://cosmicbeautyvoyage.wordpress.com/
  6. Nikita https://nikitakimberly.wordpress.com/
  7. Aspen https://aspenofmars.wordpress.com/
  8. Maddy https://maddyinindia.wordpress.com/
  9. Celia http://celiafitzgerald.com/
  10. Single LA Girl http://dearmenofla.com/
  11. Amanda https://insidethelifeofmoi.wordpress.com/
  12. Sharon https://learningtolovemyself21.wordpress.com/
  13. Elan http://tricksterchase.com/
  14. Goose https://thehonkinggoose.wordpress.com/
  15. People Who Know Shit https://thebigblogofknowledge.wordpress.com/

Rules:

1. When you accept the award given please post it on your blog along with the name of of the person that has granted the award and link to his or her blog.

2. Include the image of the “Premios Dardos” in the post

3. Pass the award onto another 15 wonderful blogs worthy of this acknowledgement.

Thank you all for the amazing things you write (:

“Writing is the only way I have to explain my own life to myself.”
Pat Conroy, My Reading Life

gah.

It’s been really difficult to articulate in my brain and in words what I’ve been feeling the past two weeks. I know, life changes sometimes but it’s been really hard to cope with this one.

In the past four-ish months I’ve lost three best friends, I’ve ended a relationship, I’ve felt completely lost; on the other hand, I’ve made some friendships go from being just casual friends to people who are never ever leaving my life. I’ve also finished college. And, I’ve started seriously dating my best friend. Honestly, it’s been hard.

Maybe it’s just me but I feel scared that I’m moving on with life so fast. I mean, in the past week I’ve gotten called for 5 job interviews, I graduated from college, I’ve started thinking about the future. The scary thing is that the future is around the corner.

With these jobs I will be able to make enough money to finally move out. I say finally, because there comes a time when you should move out of your parents house. I didn’t get to do the whole college thing, where you move into a dorm at 18 and sometime between junior and senior year of college you move into your own apartment and then by the time you finish college you’re able to afford your own place because you have a job lined up because were able to intern somewhere during your junior year for one semester while you went to Europe the other semester. But really, I didn’t get the whole “normal” college experience, but I loved my college experience. Yes, I still live at home. No, I didn’t get to study abroad. The point is, it may be time to move out.

This is when the tough questions happen. Do I move out alone? With friends? If so, who? What if I can’t afford it? Will I be able to? Where do I move to? So many questions.

So yeah, it’s been a tough time. There’s a lot of new going on in my life and there’s a lot of change. I hate change. I seriously hate it.

I miss school already! I do, it’s stupid but I do. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m good for now.

“Let go of things you can’t change. Focus on things you can.”