Twenty-Five and a Half

Six months ago I was “celebrating” my  birthday, in a mental institution, with strangers around me singing while awaiting chocolate cake. Not my favorite, thank you very much. I sat there staring at everyone with tears in my eyes, not because I was lucky to be alive, but because I was so unhappy that I had failed. Now, I was to spend time locked up for failing at taking my own life.

The struggle has been too real, and no, this is not a joking matter. Someone cared enough about me to call the cops on me. To tell them I was trying to harm myself, and whether or not I was, I’m happy that what happened happened.

I hit rock bottom, but, I was finally out of the hole I dug for myself since I was 12. The lies caught up to me. My parents, friends, family found out everything I had been keeping to myself. Something changed my birthday weekend, and that something was me.

I am lucky. I’m lucky I have people who love me unconditionally. First of all, I would not know what to do without my friends. Through out these six months you have put up with me, the crying, the screaming, the wanting to hurt myself. You stayed by my side when I was at my most vulnerable, and for that I will never be able to repay you. My parents and sisters, who love me and put up with the tantrums and attitude. My uncles and grandma, who always have time to talk.

Thank you.

Thank you to those who have never abandoned me, who believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself, and most of all believe me when I tell them the truth. Thank you for coming to my doctor’s appointments and therapy sessions, and thank you for the countless therapy sessions that you provided.

So much has changed in these past six months. I have grown. I have grown to love myself. I have grown to be able to spend time alone and not be afraid of myself or others. I have grown to forgive. I have grown to forget. I have grown and let go of all the pain that I was holding on to. I have grown and am able to ask for help when I need it. I have grown to be able to love being at home. I have grown to get an adult job, and love what I do. I have grown to let people live their lives without me. I have grown to be happy for others. I have grown to be happy for myself.

One of my friends asked me what had changed in the last six months for me, and that inspired this post.

Thank you to those who have stuck around even when I tried to push you as far away as possible. I love you.

Here’s to 25… and a half! (:

 

xoxo,

“She believed she could, so she did”

-R.S. Grey

My Wellness Journal 

Hey y’all!!! It’s been a while… So, a little back story to this blog post:
I love love love stationary, office supplies, stickers, planners and lately, journals. I’ve never been one of those girls who has a diary, I mean yes, I’ve had diaries that I would start and two days later abandon because like, who even has time to write when you have friends you can talk to? Well, as you may know, I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long long looooong time now as well as some other stuff. Ever since I finished college it has kind of gotten worse, then it got better; journaling was a big part of the getting better process. I’ve been journaling for about five months now and I wanted to share what has worked for me.

First, let me start with my planner. I use it just like you would use your cellphone calendar but I get to decorate it and make it look super pretty every month. My journal, on the other hand, is something I get to play around with every day. It is not perfect, and I try to write in it every single day.  I am starting my new journal for September through December 2016, and I thought it would be a good idea to share my technique. Rule number one: it is YOURS and yours only. NO ONE has to see it or read it or anything. Be straight forward. Be honest with yourself. No one gets to judge you but you.

The most fundamental thing is to get a journal. Any will do, it depends on what you like. I picked this one because the quote makes me laugh and it’s like, low key, totally me. Haha.

Disclaimer** Most of these ideas I got from reading things on the Internet and making them my own. [thank you buzzfeed, lol]

Next, I leave a blank page and write that it’s my journal… Which can be seen in the featured image of this blog post. Not necessary, but I like to do it.

I then leave a page for the index, so I know where everything is located.

I write in my key for my logs.

I write in my overview for the next quarter of the year. This can include goals, birthdays, special events that are coming up, tasks, anything that you may want to see at a glance.

Then is my goal setting guidelines. I got this off a website a really long time ago, when I was searching for how to set goals in my life. I try to answer these three questions every time I set a goal.

Then, it is my monthly habits. I usually have a routine going, so I like to keep track of how many times in the month I do certain things. You can write down whatever you want on this page. 

I set different goals each month, in order to keep myself in check. I strive to finish each of these goals sets. The six categories I use are:
– Personal Goals: how I want to better myself this month.
– Relational Goals: these have to do with my relationships, including but not limited to friends, boyfriend, sisters, parents, etc.
– Professional Goals: how I want to better myself in my career this month.
– Health Goals: what I will do to maintain a healthy lifestyle, for example, weight loss, healthy eating, exercise…
– Blog Goals: what I want to do about this blog. Prompts I may want to write about during the month.
– Extra Goals: those that do not fit into the first five categories. 

I have a thing about quotes, I love them. If you check out my Instagram, almost every photo caption is a quote or a song lyric, which is technically a quote. I like having them down in one place so I can remember what I happened to like that month. 

I have an obsession with all things Disney. Disneyland, Disney movies, everything. I like to log what I loved about Disney during that month.

I keep a page so I can jot down what I have been grateful for that month, because reflecting on one’s good fortune makes you realize how good you have it. I also like to write down my “planning routine” which is basically how I keep myself organized daily and weekly. This works for me because then I don’t forget what I have to write down at the end of the day. 

Then, comes the daily log. I like to write down what I at that day, my daily fitness, my to do list, any news that may have popped up during the day and of course my venting of the day. 

I usually have a couple of pages about my therapy sessions: what I liked, didn’t like, hurt to hear, need to change, etc., but since I haven’t gone to a therapy session yet this month I will not be writing about that until the near future.

I hope you guys liked this post. I hope that maybe this will help some of you, maybe in organizing yourself or maybe in bettering your life.

xoxo, elia.

 

“A healthy outside starts from the inside.”
– Robert Urich

I’m baaaaaaaack!

I just realized that I haven’t posted since basically the end of October of last year. I had to take a little break to be able to work on myself.

Quick update:
-my anti-depressant / anxiety pills are working.
– fam is doing great. They’ve been helping me out a lot, especially with being so understanding when I opened up to them in December and basically word – vomited everything that I was feeling.
– boyfriend is amazing, even with school, work, keeping up with his family and everything he always makes time for me, which I really appreciate.
– best friends are amazing, duh. I’ve gotten really close to my friend LeAnne; we spend a lot of time together, she’s always there for me and we have constant sleepovers. Brian, Blanca, Toto, Andi are just as amazing as always. I’ve found a lot of Disney friends from my recent trips to Disneyland, which brings me into my next point.

I realized that Disney is my special place, even if I go alone. I was able to go alone for the first time ever a couple months ago, and it was seriously the best experience ever. I’m not sure if I shared the fact that a year ago I couldn’t even go to the gas station to pump gas by myself… but now, I can go places alone, I have less anxiety about spending time alone. I’m happy. I’ve been meeting a lot of new friends at Disney and decided that I will be posting my disney photos on my other instagram account. For now the name is @PrincessEliaDisney , I’m not sure if I will change the name later but if I do I will let you know. Please go ahead and follow me there. I will write posts more often, pinky promise!

I apologize for not spending more time here, but I really had to take a break from life and recoup. I love you guys!!!

“Just keep swimming” -Dory from Finding Nemo

 

 

The Truth.

Listen to this song.

Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the truth. Sometimes you have to pretend to be okay and maybe just maybe life will get better. I’ve gone through a lot the last couple? few? many? months. To be honest, I was completely scared of what I was going to do. For the first time in my life I did not have a plan. I put off graduate school, I put off finding a real job, I put off everything and was living in this stupid little world where all I did was sleep.
I pushed people out of my life that had been there for years. They were there but maybe not always in a good way, or in a way that I needed them to be. Sometimes their voices and opinions would fog up my mind. But, I am not blaming any of them for my decisions.
I’ve battled with depression, anxiety and self-doubt (among other things) throughout my adolescent and adult years. I’ve always talked to friends and decided that their opinions were what were most important in my life. This summer, I’ve finally hit the lowest of the low. I lost two of the people who had been the most important people in my life at one point. I tried OD-ing. I got drunk. I started going to therapy. I got put on anti-depressants. The lowest point, ever. And I can tell you right now that I’ve gone through things that many people would think would be worse than this, but right now its not, right now this is the worst.
I’ve been trying to get better. My family has been a big help. My parents are my biggest supporters. My sisters are amazing.  My boyfriend is beyond wonderful. My bosses have been understanding. I could honestly not be able to sit here and write this write now without my friends. The walks, the drives, the late nights in parks, the texts, the phone calls at 10 am, 3am, or 4pm, the hugs, the laughs, the adventures, the craziness, listening to me scream at them because of all the pent up anger and sadness. Thank you friends, you know who you are.
I honestly, from this point on do not care about anyone from my past. It’s called the past for a reason, right? Honestly, I wish them the best of luck. I wish them love, happiness, friendship, trust. I hope they find what they’re looking for. I hope and smile and honest to God wish them the best, for this is the last time I’ll think about you. The last time I’ll cry. The last time I’ll be upset and mad. Because at one point I loved you with all my heart, and I got scared and pushed you away, and you got scared and didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust you. We lost the mutual love, the friendship. But it’s okay. Because you’re going to be okay and I’m going to be okay.
I am going to be happy, and this is the final part of my cleanse.

“Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”

Chicago

So, I went to Chicago a couple weeks ago and it was the worst experience of my life! Don’t get me wrong, the city itself is so freaking amazing. I loved it. I hadn’t been to Chicago in about 7 years and I did all the touristy things all by myself. It was amazing!!!

The truth is, I learned a lot about myself on this trip. It gave me some time to reflect on what I want in life. It gave me time to grow up. It gave me time to experience things alone.

Here are some of the touristy things I did while in Chicago:

First, it is important that you find out where to go via google maps and take screenshots, because throughout a lot of the “L” there is not a lot of service so it can be easy to get lost within the train if you don’t know where to get off and where you are going.
*TIP* bring earphones so people don’t know that you are a tourist, so you can still hear the directions in your ear. (;

I walked around Wrigley Field. Walked around and inside Navy Pier, though did not go into the museum.  I walked around The Loop [which is what I think is Chicago’s downtown area]. Walked through Millennium Park [aka where The Bean and the Crown Fountain are located]. Walked through the Lurie Garden & Grant Park.  Went to the Water Tower Place [which is a huge 7 story mall, with everything imaginable]. Walked up and down Michigan Ave. Went to the Disney store and found some awesome Chicago Disney shirts. Walked by the Art Institute. Walked to Buckingham Fountain. Went to the Taste of Chicago [which is a really yummy festival where you can taste a whole bunch of food for a certain price and it was totally worth it]. Ate some deep dish pizza at Lou Malnati’s. Touched Lake Michigan at the North Shore Beach. Conquered my fear of heights at the Sears [Willis] Tower.

Things I learned:
– going on adventures alone is awesome, you don’t have to waste your time on something you don’t wanna do and you can do whatever you want, in the order you want it, however long you want it.
– Always. Carry. Pepper spray
– Starbucks is always a good choice if you need to use the bathroom, charge your phone, rest.
– Always carry cash, even if it’s just $20.
– The place to buy your ticket for the L can sometimes reject your card, ask one of the people who work there to help you.
– If you actually own a selfie stick, it is probably easier to use it than ask a stranger to take your photo, cuz sometimes it’s super annoying and they usually never take the photos how you want them.
– Bars close late in Chicago, like 4 am.
– Most people are really nice, especially when they know you’re from out of town.
– If you really wanna explore, bring some comfy shoes, and walk.
– The only person you can count on is yourself. Trust your gut.
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 “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones  you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

– Mark Twain

gah.

It’s been really difficult to articulate in my brain and in words what I’ve been feeling the past two weeks. I know, life changes sometimes but it’s been really hard to cope with this one.

In the past four-ish months I’ve lost three best friends, I’ve ended a relationship, I’ve felt completely lost; on the other hand, I’ve made some friendships go from being just casual friends to people who are never ever leaving my life. I’ve also finished college. And, I’ve started seriously dating my best friend. Honestly, it’s been hard.

Maybe it’s just me but I feel scared that I’m moving on with life so fast. I mean, in the past week I’ve gotten called for 5 job interviews, I graduated from college, I’ve started thinking about the future. The scary thing is that the future is around the corner.

With these jobs I will be able to make enough money to finally move out. I say finally, because there comes a time when you should move out of your parents house. I didn’t get to do the whole college thing, where you move into a dorm at 18 and sometime between junior and senior year of college you move into your own apartment and then by the time you finish college you’re able to afford your own place because you have a job lined up because were able to intern somewhere during your junior year for one semester while you went to Europe the other semester. But really, I didn’t get the whole “normal” college experience, but I loved my college experience. Yes, I still live at home. No, I didn’t get to study abroad. The point is, it may be time to move out.

This is when the tough questions happen. Do I move out alone? With friends? If so, who? What if I can’t afford it? Will I be able to? Where do I move to? So many questions.

So yeah, it’s been a tough time. There’s a lot of new going on in my life and there’s a lot of change. I hate change. I seriously hate it.

I miss school already! I do, it’s stupid but I do. Thanks for letting me vent. I’m good for now.

“Let go of things you can’t change. Focus on things you can.”

I’m Perfectly Okay

Okay, so it’s been a few months now and I have decided to talk about it finally.

Yes, the boyfriend who I was soooo in love with and I broke up. Why? You don’t really need to know. But, since everyone keeps bugging me and asking me the same things all the time, [basically] we weren’t compatible anymore. I realized we did not want the same things. We did not have the same objectives. Sometimes you get comfortable, and it’s not the best thing for you but since you don’t want to hurt the person that you love the most in the world, you don’t say anything. You stop saying things that hurt you or things that are on your mind and pretend like it does not affect you or you don’t think about it, when honestly that’s all you do. [at least for me, that happened this time] There were many things said, many things that should or should not have been said. There were many things that happened that had gone unacknowledged for a long time, etc. I decided that it was time for me to take charge of my own life. I’m graduating from college for Christ’s sake!  I needed to figure out my life. And that’s basically all you need to know…

Yes, I will always love him, but I’m not in love with him anymore. Yes, I may or may not be dating around. Yes, I miss him and the friends I’ve lost as a results of this break up, sometimes. Yes, I have cried and will probably keep crying from time to time. No, we do not talk, at all, ever. Yes, I am ready to move forward with my life, both in relationships and in real life. Any other questions? k. good.

I head this song and it prompted me to write this post. These are my favorite parts of the song:

“This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song
My power’s turned on
(Starting right now) I’ll be strong
I’ll play my fight song
And I don’t really care if nobody else believes
‘Cause I’ve still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I’m chasing sleep
Everybody’s worried about me
In too deep
Say I’m in too deep (I’m in too deep)
[…]
But there’s a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn’t say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time”

Because I deserved better and I don’t care what ANYONE has to say to me. I’m graduating college, I’m having the best time of my life with all of my friends. I’ve not been this happy in so freaking long! I’m not trying to convince you, just letting you know that I am PERFECTLY okay! (:

“Falling in love is easy, its picking up the pieces, putting your heart back together and trying to move on…that’s hard.
[but I did it!]