The Truth.

Listen to this song.

Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the truth. Sometimes you have to pretend to be okay and maybe just maybe life will get better. I’ve gone through a lot the last couple? few? many? months. To be honest, I was completely scared of what I was going to do. For the first time in my life I did not have a plan. I put off graduate school, I put off finding a real job, I put off everything and was living in this stupid little world where all I did was sleep.
I pushed people out of my life that had been there for years. They were there but maybe not always in a good way, or in a way that I needed them to be. Sometimes their voices and opinions would fog up my mind. But, I am not blaming any of them for my decisions.
I’ve battled with depression, anxiety and self-doubt (among other things) throughout my adolescent and adult years. I’ve always talked to friends and decided that their opinions were what were most important in my life. This summer, I’ve finally hit the lowest of the low. I lost two of the people who had been the most important people in my life at one point. I tried OD-ing. I got drunk. I started going to therapy. I got put on anti-depressants. The lowest point, ever. And I can tell you right now that I’ve gone through things that many people would think would be worse than this, but right now its not, right now this is the worst.
I’ve been trying to get better. My family has been a big help. My parents are my biggest supporters. My sisters are amazing.  My boyfriend is beyond wonderful. My bosses have been understanding. I could honestly not be able to sit here and write this write now without my friends. The walks, the drives, the late nights in parks, the texts, the phone calls at 10 am, 3am, or 4pm, the hugs, the laughs, the adventures, the craziness, listening to me scream at them because of all the pent up anger and sadness. Thank you friends, you know who you are.
I honestly, from this point on do not care about anyone from my past. It’s called the past for a reason, right? Honestly, I wish them the best of luck. I wish them love, happiness, friendship, trust. I hope they find what they’re looking for. I hope and smile and honest to God wish them the best, for this is the last time I’ll think about you. The last time I’ll cry. The last time I’ll be upset and mad. Because at one point I loved you with all my heart, and I got scared and pushed you away, and you got scared and didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust you. We lost the mutual love, the friendship. But it’s okay. Because you’re going to be okay and I’m going to be okay.
I am going to be happy, and this is the final part of my cleanse.

“Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”

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Honesty

I don’t understand how some people can lie and lie and lie. It’s just really difficult to understand how you can sit there and lie to someone who loves you. Who you say you love. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Do you keep a little black book of lies? How can you lie to someone who has given you everything? Who has sacrificed so much for you? I just don’t understand…

It pisses me off that I care so much for people. I really wish I could be heartless. I wish that all I could think about is me, me, me. But that’s not who I am. I care for people. I open up my heart to everyone and often, I get really hurt.

Another thing I don’t understand is that when people ask you to be honest, do they really want that? Or are you just saying that but in the back of your head you’re thinking oh no please don’t say what you’re going to say because I don’t really want to hear it.

I love being honest. Yeah, sometimes that means that people won’t like me. Sometimes it hurts when you hear the truth about yourself. When people tell you things, it sucks! Especially if it’s something you don’t even want to accept about yourself. I’m not gonna lie, I’m not happy when people say things to me that I don’t want to admit, or hear. But sometimes it’s necessary to hear those things.

I’ve realized, I don’t want to change myself. I love myself. I love that I’m caring. I love people. I’m not gonna change. If you don’t like what I say or what I do, then leave; do us both a favor and leave before I care too much about you. I’m sick of holding back and I’m sick of getting hurt, so leave if you don’t wanna deal.