I’m baaaaaaaack!

I just realized that I haven’t posted since basically the end of October of last year. I had to take a little break to be able to work on myself.

Quick update:
-my anti-depressant / anxiety pills are working.
– fam is doing great. They’ve been helping me out a lot, especially with being so understanding when I opened up to them in December and basically word – vomited everything that I was feeling.
– boyfriend is amazing, even with school, work, keeping up with his family and everything he always makes time for me, which I really appreciate.
– best friends are amazing, duh. I’ve gotten really close to my friend LeAnne; we spend a lot of time together, she’s always there for me and we have constant sleepovers. Brian, Blanca, Toto, Andi are just as amazing as always. I’ve found a lot of Disney friends from my recent trips to Disneyland, which brings me into my next point.

I realized that Disney is my special place, even if I go alone. I was able to go alone for the first time ever a couple months ago, and it was seriously the best experience ever. I’m not sure if I shared the fact that a year ago I couldn’t even go to the gas station to pump gas by myself… but now, I can go places alone, I have less anxiety about spending time alone. I’m happy. I’ve been meeting a lot of new friends at Disney and decided that I will be posting my disney photos on my other instagram account. For now the name is @PrincessEliaDisney , I’m not sure if I will change the name later but if I do I will let you know. Please go ahead and follow me there. I will write posts more often, pinky promise!

I apologize for not spending more time here, but I really had to take a break from life and recoup. I love you guys!!!

“Just keep swimming” -Dory from Finding Nemo

 

 

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The Truth.

Listen to this song.

Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the truth. Sometimes you have to pretend to be okay and maybe just maybe life will get better. I’ve gone through a lot the last couple? few? many? months. To be honest, I was completely scared of what I was going to do. For the first time in my life I did not have a plan. I put off graduate school, I put off finding a real job, I put off everything and was living in this stupid little world where all I did was sleep.
I pushed people out of my life that had been there for years. They were there but maybe not always in a good way, or in a way that I needed them to be. Sometimes their voices and opinions would fog up my mind. But, I am not blaming any of them for my decisions.
I’ve battled with depression, anxiety and self-doubt (among other things) throughout my adolescent and adult years. I’ve always talked to friends and decided that their opinions were what were most important in my life. This summer, I’ve finally hit the lowest of the low. I lost two of the people who had been the most important people in my life at one point. I tried OD-ing. I got drunk. I started going to therapy. I got put on anti-depressants. The lowest point, ever. And I can tell you right now that I’ve gone through things that many people would think would be worse than this, but right now its not, right now this is the worst.
I’ve been trying to get better. My family has been a big help. My parents are my biggest supporters. My sisters are amazing.  My boyfriend is beyond wonderful. My bosses have been understanding. I could honestly not be able to sit here and write this write now without my friends. The walks, the drives, the late nights in parks, the texts, the phone calls at 10 am, 3am, or 4pm, the hugs, the laughs, the adventures, the craziness, listening to me scream at them because of all the pent up anger and sadness. Thank you friends, you know who you are.
I honestly, from this point on do not care about anyone from my past. It’s called the past for a reason, right? Honestly, I wish them the best of luck. I wish them love, happiness, friendship, trust. I hope they find what they’re looking for. I hope and smile and honest to God wish them the best, for this is the last time I’ll think about you. The last time I’ll cry. The last time I’ll be upset and mad. Because at one point I loved you with all my heart, and I got scared and pushed you away, and you got scared and didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust you. We lost the mutual love, the friendship. But it’s okay. Because you’re going to be okay and I’m going to be okay.
I am going to be happy, and this is the final part of my cleanse.

“Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”

Making Time

Just venting…

I don’t know about you, but I feel like I never have enough time to do anything. I mean, all I’ve done this week is go to work & my bff Domini’s birthday celebration with her family. I just feel like there’s never enough time to do anything exciting. I mean, I’ve been really excited to keep going on my Summer 2014 Bucket List, but it’s just so difficult to get everyone’s schedules all together. I guess I just don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling lately. I see my boyfriend everyday, for the most part, which is fine. The problem is finding enough time for him to be with his family and me to be with my family, but also, he enjoys being with my family too. It’s just hard to coordinate our time around our family. 

Now add in, one of my best friends has a kid, three work basically full-time and one rarely wants to hang out, so when he does I change my plans to accommodate him. These are just my close friends! How am I supposed to make time for every single one of my friend??? It’s just impossible. 

I think I’m just frustrated because it’s summer. I wish I could just go anywhere I wanted without having responsibilities; I guess things change when you’re 23. It’s just sad. And I feel SO tired ALL the time. 

Is there a special app for all of this? Like can someone please come up with an app that organizes all my time through out the day. Wake up at this time, use this much time to do your hair, this much for make up, this much for eating, this much for driving (and calculate driving time with traffic conditions), this much for work, this much for each friend, this much for each family member, this much to shower, this much time for sleep. 

I need some advice. How can I manage my family and friends without going crazy, and without everyone feeling like I don’t care?