My Wellness Journal

Hey y’all!!! It’s been a while… So, a little back story to this blog post:
I love love love stationary, office supplies, stickers, planners and lately, journals. I’ve never been one of those girls who has a diary, I mean yes, I’ve had diaries that I would start and two days later abandon because like, who even has time to write when you have friends you can talk to? Well, as you may know, I have been battling depression and anxiety for a long long looooong time now as well as some other stuff. Ever since I finished college it has kind of gotten worse, then it got better; journaling was a big part of the getting better process. I’ve been journaling for about five months now and I wanted to share what has worked for me.

First, let me start with my planner. I use it just like you would use your cellphone calendar but I get to decorate it and make it look super pretty every month. My journal, on the other hand, is something I get to play around with every day. It is not perfect, and I try to write in it every single day.  I am starting my new journal for September through December 2016, and I thought it would be a good idea to share my technique. Rule number one: it is YOURS and yours only. NO ONE has to see it or read it or anything. Be straight forward. Be honest with yourself. No one gets to judge you but you.

The most fundamental thing is to get a journal. Any will do, it depends on what you like. I picked this one because the quote makes me laugh and it’s like, low key, totally me. Haha.

Disclaimer** Most of these ideas I got from reading things on the Internet and making them my own. [thank you buzzfeed, lol]

Next, I leave a blank page and write that it’s my journal… Which can be seen in the featured image of this blog post. Not necessary, but I like to do it.

I then leave a page for the index, so I know where everything is located.

I write in my key for my logs.

I write in my overview for the next quarter of the year. This can include goals, birthdays, special events that are coming up, tasks, anything that you may want to see at a glance.

Then is my goal setting guidelines. I got this off a website a really long time ago, when I was searching for how to set goals in my life. I try to answer these three questions every time I set a goal.

Then, it is my monthly habits. I usually have a routine going, so I like to keep track of how many times in the month I do certain things. You can write down whatever you want on this page. 

I set different goals each month, in order to keep myself in check. I strive to finish each of these goals sets. The six categories I use are:
– Personal Goals: how I want to better myself this month.
– Relational Goals: these have to do with my relationships, including but not limited to friends, boyfriend, sisters, parents, etc.
– Professional Goals: how I want to better myself in my career this month.
– Health Goals: what I will do to maintain a healthy lifestyle, for example, weight loss, healthy eating, exercise…
– Blog Goals: what I want to do about this blog. Prompts I may want to write about during the month.
– Extra Goals: those that do not fit into the first five categories. 

I have a thing about quotes, I love them. If you check out my Instagram, almost every photo caption is a quote or a song lyric, which is technically a quote. I like having them down in one place so I can remember what I happened to like that month. 

I have an obsession with all things Disney. Disneyland, Disney movies, everything. I like to log what I loved about Disney during that month.

I keep a page so I can jot down what I have been grateful for that month, because reflecting on one’s good fortune makes you realize how good you have it. I also like to write down my “planning routine” which is basically how I keep myself organized daily and weekly. This works for me because then I don’t forget what I have to write down at the end of the day. 

Then, comes the daily log. I like to write down what I at that day, my daily fitness, my to do list, any news that may have popped up during the day and of course my venting of the day. 

I usually have a couple of pages about my therapy sessions: what I liked, didn’t like, hurt to hear, need to change, etc., but since I haven’t gone to a therapy session yet this month I will not be writing about that until the near future.

I hope you guys liked this post. I hope that maybe this will help some of you, maybe in organizing yourself or maybe in bettering your life.

xoxo, elia.

 

“A healthy outside starts from the inside.”
– Robert Urich

The Truth.

Listen to this song.

Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the truth. Sometimes you have to pretend to be okay and maybe just maybe life will get better. I’ve gone through a lot the last couple? few? many? months. To be honest, I was completely scared of what I was going to do. For the first time in my life I did not have a plan. I put off graduate school, I put off finding a real job, I put off everything and was living in this stupid little world where all I did was sleep.
I pushed people out of my life that had been there for years. They were there but maybe not always in a good way, or in a way that I needed them to be. Sometimes their voices and opinions would fog up my mind. But, I am not blaming any of them for my decisions.
I’ve battled with depression, anxiety and self-doubt (among other things) throughout my adolescent and adult years. I’ve always talked to friends and decided that their opinions were what were most important in my life. This summer, I’ve finally hit the lowest of the low. I lost two of the people who had been the most important people in my life at one point. I tried OD-ing. I got drunk. I started going to therapy. I got put on anti-depressants. The lowest point, ever. And I can tell you right now that I’ve gone through things that many people would think would be worse than this, but right now its not, right now this is the worst.
I’ve been trying to get better. My family has been a big help. My parents are my biggest supporters. My sisters are amazing.  My boyfriend is beyond wonderful. My bosses have been understanding. I could honestly not be able to sit here and write this write now without my friends. The walks, the drives, the late nights in parks, the texts, the phone calls at 10 am, 3am, or 4pm, the hugs, the laughs, the adventures, the craziness, listening to me scream at them because of all the pent up anger and sadness. Thank you friends, you know who you are.
I honestly, from this point on do not care about anyone from my past. It’s called the past for a reason, right? Honestly, I wish them the best of luck. I wish them love, happiness, friendship, trust. I hope they find what they’re looking for. I hope and smile and honest to God wish them the best, for this is the last time I’ll think about you. The last time I’ll cry. The last time I’ll be upset and mad. Because at one point I loved you with all my heart, and I got scared and pushed you away, and you got scared and didn’t trust me, and I didn’t trust you. We lost the mutual love, the friendship. But it’s okay. Because you’re going to be okay and I’m going to be okay.
I am going to be happy, and this is the final part of my cleanse.

“Rain came pouring down when I was drowning. That’s when I could finally breathe. And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean”

Feelings … end of college

 It’s been really hard to articulate anything the past couple of weeks. It’s been a crazy ride, and here we are… my last quarter of my last year of my undergrad career in college. I’m scared.  I’m scared for not knowing the future. I’m scared that my plan has been changed. I’m scared of screwing up.

I’ve realized, I’m beyond happy right now. When I’m at school, I can not feel any more excited to be here. Everything about it, being excited to see everyone, being in need of wanting to see what will happen and what we will learn in class. I love being involved. I love walking throughout campus and hug and talk to people all day everyday.

I think that’s what the biggest bummer is. I’m scared and sad that this will end in June. I won’t be able to see everyone every other day, it will be every once in a blue moon. I won’t have all of our inside jokes, or any of that.

It feels like I finally know what college is about. It’s not about where you go to college or where you live while you’re in school. It’s about learning things that make you a better person. It’s about learning things that you are passionate about and get excited about. It’s about your heart pumping so hard because of how happy you are. It’s sitting with your friends in a circle on the floor, talking about all of our problems or worries. It’s about all of the love that we share, the common interests, and care. It’s about having 8 conversations going on at once in a room and being able to be a part of each one. Man, I’m going to miss my comm majors. There is no other major like us.

Honestly, I’m happy that when I look back at my time at Cal State LA, I will have no regrets.

“Don’t count the days, make the days count”

Done.

Sometimes people say things to me and they stick. Most of the time I just shrug things off. I don’t care what you have to say about a certain person or about thing. I usually make up my mind about something or someone and until I’m proven wrong I stick with that idea.

That is, until someone told me from an observation they have that the certain person isn’t “building you up and making  you a better person rather than that person is showing you what not to do and who not to be.” But honestly, this can be about anyone. If you think about it, everyone makes mistakes. Everyone does stupid things. But it’s true, when the person only causes you headaches [daily] maybe it’s time to let go.

It’s funny. I’m an open book. I have no problem talking about myself and my friends and my problems to anyone, to a certain extent. I tell my “best friends” everything, and in turn, they tell me nothing. Actually, ironically enough, the one person I would expect to not tell me things because they’re so closed in general, is the one who opens up to me the most.

I look at other best friends and can’t help realize that my life looks more like Blair and Serena from Gossip Girl than Rory and Lane from Gilmore Girls. I know all friendships are different, but maybe I expect too much? Maybe I picked the two girls in this world that are so closed up that they would rather keep it all in than let it out and speak to me and open up.

Honestly, if I ask someone to text me when they’re home or when they get to their destination, its because I care. It’s not because I’m trying to be nosey. If I didn’t care then, if you ended up getting into a car accident or something, I wouldn’t know, and I really wouldn’t care.

I’m done caring. I am going back to the mean person I was. I’m done trying to cater to you and your feelings. I’m done trying to text you and see how you are just so you can get annoyed with me and my “attitude.” I’m done trying to figure out exactly what to do or say so you won’t feel attacked or hurt.  [No worries school friends, I’ll still be me at school, this is for those who I hang out with outside of school]

I’m sorry you feel the need to lie and hide and cheat. I’m sorry you can’t trust me enough to know that I would never get mad if you do something stupid. Or whatever.

Whenever you feel like needing a friend I’ll be here because I love you. But I’m done making an effort.

School Friends

Today I realized why I love going to school so much.

It’s been a tough week with going back to school and work, getting back into the flow of life, among other things. I realized that my first week of school was amazing. It feel really great to go to class and the first thing you see are people smiling at you and saying hi. People who you haven’t known for too long but you want to see where it will go.

For a long time, I tried not letting new people into my life. I tried not hanging out with new people but this week I realized that I love my school friends. I love seeing them everyday. It’s so nice for someone to come up to you and say “hey Elia, I missed you, how was your break? Let’s hangout outside of school, soon?” Or just in general ask how your day has been, follow up on that certain thing we were talking about before. I love that my school friends don’t know details about what I’m talking about but are still supportive. I love that they don’t pry but are attentive.  I love being at school. It’s a really great feeling being able to run around from place to place, from work to class, from meeting to the gym. I love the hustle and bustle of everything surrounding school. Yes, it’s exhausting, but mostly, it’s exhilarating!

Honestly, I hate being home. Why? Because it’s so plain. I love running around from place to place all the time. I love being surrounded by people. I hate being alone. It’s time to make these friends into lifelong friends. I know graduation is coming up soon, and I have to figure out something to do during my year in between my BA and my masters, but I will. So I don’t go crazy.

Rest in Peace Logan

   

It has been a tough 48 hours. Between getting the news, trying to process everything, letting the rest of our friends know, it’s just been tough. I’ve never had to deal with something like this before. I am so unsure of what to do all the time. I feel like I’m on a wave, in the ocean. First I felt like a tsunami, overwhelmed with emotion, angry and terribly sad. Then, I became calm, like after a storm. I just don’t know what to feel right now. I’ve never been through something like this. I’ve never been good with dealing with my emotions. I’m just trying to stay strong for the rest of us.

I have a very weird group of friends, somehow we all ended up knowing each other, but today I want to talk about one particular group of friends. This is the group of friends I became close to throughout my Senior year in high school, and through out years after. These are the Geeks, but they were my geeks.

It all started when I was lost at my new school { Arcadia H.S. } and I went up to this kid who was wearing a shirt that said “Ask me for help” or something like that. That kid later introduced me to some of his friends. One of those friends in particular, was in my Econ class. We bonded right away. We had the same first letter of our last name, so we were put in assigned seats next to each other. I’ve never been so thankful for that moment, because Logan gave me hope. He would invite me over to play Guitar Hero, and when he asked if I wanted to watch a marathon of Star Wars with his friends, I felt like I became one of the guys. I left those boys dumbfounded that a girl like me would be such a fan of something like Star Wars.

Logan handed me so many friends, like on a silver platter. I would not be here if it wasn’t for him. For his friendship, his kindness, his ability to make everyone laugh. “Do a barrel roll!!!” “Pouuuuuuund Cake!” Thanks to Logan, I was able to beat a dark part of me. When I wasn’t doing well, he always dropped everything to come help me. When I went through one of the most traumatic instances of my life, he was the one that picked me up and took me away from the bad.

I had so much fun with him. Whether it be car tag that ended with me throwing up from laughing so hard, or serious talks by the ocean; scolding from doing “bad things” to crying from being overwhelmed, Logan was the best. He is the glue that holds all of us together.

I am distraught beyond words. I’m going to miss you so much Logan. I’ve been missing you so much.

Thank you for everything you did for me, for everything you did for everyone. Thank you so much for saving me, I only wish I could have done the same for you. I love you Logan. I’ll see you on the flip side. Take care of all of us please. I can honestly say, I will never forget you. Rest in peace my friend, I love you.